


Find Me In the Shallows

by MidnightStorm6593



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Depression, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-03-04 07:39:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3001430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightStorm6593/pseuds/MidnightStorm6593
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's supposed to be happy about being back…so why didn't it seem that way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She used to keep track of the days on a little notepad so that she'd know what day it was back home, thinking it'd help her maintain some sanity. She stops keeping track after Christmas.

Because, really, what's the point?

She runs mostly on autopilot. She sleeps, occasionally remembers to eat, does a supermarket run here and there when the cupboards are bare.

She reads more than anything else. It's a great way to fantasize about being  _anywhere_ else. She quickly devours  _The Call of the Wild,_ glides through  _Wuthering Heights,_ finds basically anything written by Shakespeare.

Either way, it doesn't really matter because she's officially in hell. A hell not originally meant for her, but still hell nevertheless.

* * *

"So," Damon says to Liv. "Let's talk about you getting me to 1994 again so that we can finally get Bonnie back."

"No," Liv replies, shaking her head and moving around Damon. "Bonnie may not have known when to back out, but I sure as hell do. You're on your own. All of you."

"Let me clarify this," Damon says, zipping in front of Liv before she could walk out on him. "You're going to help me. Because, if you don't? I'm going to start ripping some body parts off. Maybe I'll even go pay a visit to your dear twinsie.

Liv doesn't respond, but Damon's sure she got the message.

"Now, let's start brainstorming and get creative," Damon says, rubbing his hands together.

* * *

She's lying on the living room floor, making her way through Sylvia Plath's  _The Bell Jar._ The Salvatores owned an original first edition copy with the pseudonym of Victoria Lucas and all. Well, actually, every book they own was a first edition.

She had read  _The Bell Jar_ once before when she got ambitious and signed up for a twentieth century American literature course her freshman year at Whitmore. Honestly, she had  _hated_ the book then. Sure, she had understood the literary value, but frankly, it had been too dark for her tastes and she had so much difficulty making sense of it all.

She's actually enjoying it the second time around, though. She thinks maybe it's because she finally gets it, mental breakdown and all.

"You know, you're looking pretty pathetic down there," Damon says.

She pulls the book away from her line of vision and turns her head to see Damon standing behind the couch and looking down at her, leather jacket, half-smirk, and all.

"Huh," she says emotionlessly. "Hallucinations. That's a new one." She returns to her book.

Okay, so he hadn't been expecting that sort of welcome.

"Bonnie, I'm real."

"Yeah, sure you are," she replies, still not looking away from her book.

With a frustrated sigh, he walks around the couch to her and reaches down to pluck the novel out of her hands. Then, he grabs her by the shoulders and forcibly lifts her up until she's standing.

He frowns when he fully takes in her appearance. She's lost a lot of weight and looked so tiny and vulnerable.

"Huh," Bonnie says, looking right back at him. "Maybe you are real, after all."

"Liv will be pulling us out of her soon," he explains to her.

"Well, mind if I take this with me?" Bonnie asks, taking the novel back from him. "I was just getting to the really dramatic part where she starts trying to kill herself."

Damon can't help but gawk at her slightly. He thought she'd be thrilled to see him and finally get out of here…not so complacent and blasé.

"Why aren't you happier about finally getting out?" he asks her.

"Last time didn't go so well, so…" she shrugs.

"Well, this time will, so let's go," he motions towards the door.

They make their way together through the words back to where he had ended up when Liv sent him back this time.

Bonnie vaguely thinks about asking just how this is even possible because it really shouldn't have been. She doesn't, though. She's not sure she really cares enough to ask.

They're soon enveloped in a bright light and they're back in present day Mystical Falls, and exhausted and bleeding Liv looking back at them.

"Hmm," Bonnie hums, looking around and tapping her fingers on the hardcover of the book she held in her hands.

Okay, still not quite the reaction he's looking for. She should be smiling at him, maybe even hugging him, asking about everyone else and wanting to see them.

She's supposed to be happy about being back…so why didn't it seem that way?


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on," Damon says, "Let's head to the boardinghouse."

"How? It's a magic-free zone," Bonnie reminds him. "Unless, y'know, you actually have a death wish or something."

That comment actually comes as somewhat of a relief to him. At least there's still something of her old self in there.

"Yeah…about that. Kai kind of sucked up all the magic that was keeping the barrier up, so…"

"Oh."

She thinks about asking where Kai is now. Because the only thing she's sure of now is that the next time she sees him, she's going to kill him. She even has his pocket knife stashed in her jeans for the occasion and everything.

She silently follows Damon back to the Salvatore boardinghouse.

"Where have you been, Damon?" Elena asks when they enter, coming to meet them in the foyer. "You didn't say any—" she stops dead in her tracks at the sight of Bonnie.

"Bonnie?" Elena whispers as if she hardly dares to believe it. Wh…how?" she asks, but as if she decides it suddenly doesn't matter, she embraces Bonnie tightly.

Bonnie stiffens slightly in her arms, but she forces herself to give Elena an awkward pat or two on the back. She should be happy to see her best friend…especially since she was so sure she'd never see anyone else again.

Bonnie can't help but wonder if maybe she's just broken.

"I'm so glad you're back," Elena tells her.

Bonnie just gives her a small smile, but doesn't say anything. Instead, she starts tapping her fingers against the book she's holding like she did earlier when Liv had first brought her back.

"I'm going to go home," Bonnie says suddenly, breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh," Elena says in a mixture of surprise and confusion. She thought that maybe Bonnie would want to stay here and catch up and enjoy being back with everyone. "Okay, well, I'll go with you."

"No," Bonnie says flatly. "I'm just going to sleep, so…"

"Well, at least let me drive you there," Elena says, faltering a little bit. "It's all the way across town."

Bonnie silently nods and follows Elena out the front door.

She ignores the holes that Damon's icy eyes are boring into her back.

Elena fills the drive with mindless chatter, filling Bonnie in on everything she's missed.

Elena has declared pre-med and conquered a summer-long drug problem by erasing her memories of Damon. She's not sure whether she should get back with Damon or not, but she's pretty sure she has feeling for him.

Elena tells her about how Jeremy's been such a wreck. He's spent the past several months boozing it up and having meaningless sex.

"But now that you're back, everything will be okay," Elena assures her, imploring Bonnie to look over what she's sure Elena views as 'minor setbacks.'

Elena also tells her about how Stefan went MIA, but is now back in action and is so happy to have his brother back.

"Caroline also has some personal problems that she'll have to tell you about herself, but she'll be so happy you're back," Elena says with a big smile.

Bonnie doesn't really care about anything Elena's saying, though. She just doesn't.

When Elena rolls up to Bonnie's house, she asks, "Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you? At least for a little while?"

"Like I said," Bonnie replies with a shrug. "I'm just going to sleep, so what'd be the point?"

Without waiting for Elena's response, she gets out of the car, finds the spare key she kept under a long-dead potted plant and enters her home.

She's surprised to find the house clean and free of dust. She wonders who's doing that was. At least it saved her the energy of having to do it herself.

The more she thinks about it, it becomes too ironic. When trapped alone in 1994, she had craves for contact with any of her friends. But when she's finally back and with Elena? She can't wait to be alone again.

Here's the real kicker about it all, though: Now that she finds herself alone again, she actually wishes for some company.

She really must be broken.

* * *

 "Does Bonnie seem a bit…off to you?" Elena asks Damon when she returns to the boardinghouse from dropping Bonnie off.

Damon shrugs noncommittally over his glass of bourbon.

It didn't exactly take a rocket scientist to see that Bonnie was off. And the more he thought about it, why wouldn't she be? She had been trapped alone with him for months, then she had been trapped alone with a complete psychopath that did who the hell knows what to her, and then she had been trapped alone by herself after having the promise of returning home dangled in front of her only for it to suddenly be snatched away.

"It's just that she didn't really seem to want to talk to me…or being around me for that matter."

She sighs before flopping down on the couch next to Damon.

"I gave Caroline a call to let her know. I thought she could use some good news given everything that's happening with her mom. I should give Jeremy a call, too. Matt said he took it really hard when we didn't manage to bring her back last time, so…"

"Or maybe she could use some breathing space and a chance to go deal with everyone on her own terms," Damon replies. "She's obviously feeling disoriented right now."

He doesn't mention that he's sure it's much more, much worse than simply being 'disoriented.'

"I get that," Elena replies somewhat defensively. "I do. But we should be helping her through it. Maybe I should have just stayed with her anyway…I think I'll go back and check on her again later on tonight."

Silence.

She looks at Damon for a few moments before leaning over and pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"I have no idea how you did it, but thank you for giving me my best friend back."

Typical Damon would have made some witty comment and then made a move on Elena. Instead, he continues to sit there silently with his bourbon.

* * *

 She reads for a bit and then falls asleep.

Then, she's woken up to someone jumping in her bed and reaching out of her.

With a loud shriek, she automatically begins fighting and thrashing.

"Bonnie, Bonnie! It's me, Caroline!"

Bonnie stops and sees that it really is Caroline after all. She had been so sure that she was waking up to find Kai attacking her again.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Caroline says with a small frown. "It's just that Elena called and told me you were back, so I had to see you and when I saw you there, I just couldn't help myself." She envelops Bonnie tightly in her arms. "I've missed you so much."

Instead of hugging her back, Bonnie focuses on her breathing, trying to steady her racing heart.

"Hey, you're shaking." Caroline pulls away, concern clearly etched out on her pretty face. "Are you okay?"

Bonnie doesn't reply.

She just keeps trying to breathe.

Caroline catches her up on things Elena didn't tell her.

She tells Bonnie about how her mom has terminal brain cancer.

"I'm sorry," Bonnie says. It's a sincere condolence. Liz Forbes was a good person.

Parents were clearly never meant to last in this place.

Elena joins them later. Apparently she didn't feel so good about leaving Bonnie alone earlier.

Clearly, both Caroline and Elena know that Bonnie isn't right because they spend the night trying too hard to cheer her up.

They order in pizza and try to feed her amounts of massive chocolate. She has no appetite, but she forces herself to eat at least a little bit to appease them so they'd leave her alone. Her stomach almost rebels against her, making her feel like she might actually throw up.

Caroline pops in cheesy romantic comedies—the kind that Bonnie had loved watching back in what felt like an entirely different lifetime. None of it makes her laugh anymore, though.

She'd really rather just sleep, but she's afraid that she'll wake up and mistake one of them for Kai again.

It takes a lot of coercing to get them to leave. In fact, she has to flat out tell them that she'll sleep better with them not there.

They're clearly hurt by that, but leave with a promise to check up on her again tomorrow.

She curls up on the couch with her book and her blanket and reads until she falls asleep again.

* * *

 She wakes up the next morning to non-stop doorbell ringing and simultaneous knocking. She thinks about ignoring it until they stop so that she can go back to sleep, but she gets the clear impression that whoever it is just won't go away. So, she forces herself to get p and answer the door.

It's Jeremy.

"I—I almost didn't come here. I didn't want to believe Elena when she said you were back because I didn't want to be let down again."

That's not exactly the heartfelt welcome someone would expect from the man who says they're the love of his life.

She doesn't care, though.

She's suddenly enveloped in his arms, almost lifted off the ground.

"I've missed you so much," he tells her in between kisses. He's everywhere; his lips are on hers, on her cheeks, on her forehead.

She feels like she's choking on him.

"You have to let me breathe at some point," Bonnie murmurs.

"Are you okay?" He asks her, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

_Are you okay?_

It's a question that has become a trap for her in less than twenty-four hours.

There's no way anyone could expect her to be okay after everything that's happened. Yet, if she says no, that she's not okay, everyone will wonder just what is wrong with her. She could practically hear them now:  _"You're home now. Everything's going to be okay. So why aren't you happy? How can you not be happy now?"_

Instead of answering Jeremy she shrugs and replies, "I'm really tired."

She moves back to the couch without waiting for a response from him and beings to read.

Jeremy sits in a nearby armchair, looking like he wants to say something but is very much holding back.

She's sure this isn't going at all how he had imagined. He must have been expecting smiles, tears of happiness, declarations of undying love, long and swollen kisses.

Bonnie just doesn't have it in her.

It's so much easier to just stick her nose in a book and become enthralled with someone else's problems.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm mad at you," Jeremy says, suddenly breaking the silence.

Apparently he finally worked up the nerve to say what exactly is on his mind.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that when Elena told me you spent these past months literally screwing around," Bonnie replies, not pulling herself away from her book. "I mean, I'm not angry or judging you or anything. I'm really not. You thought I was dead and never coming back, so it is what it is, I guess."

Unable to sit any longer he gets up, and stand closer to her, obviously trying to find any words.

"You—you knew you were dying the entire time and you hide it. You said goodbye over the phone."

She doesn't him for being angry about it. She would've been too if she were in his position. She just doesn't know exactly what he expects her to do about it, though. A sorry wouldn't exactly fix it.

"Will you say something or at least look at me?!"

She lets out an audible sigh, but dog ears the page she's on and sets it down on the coffee table.

"What do you expect me to say, Jeremy? A simple sorry obviously isn't going to fix it. I can't take any of it back or change what happened."

"I know that." He frustratedly runs a hand through his hair. "It's just that…" He suddenly stops himself. "You just got back. You obviously need time to adjust and think."

She's pretty sure that he's saying that more to himself than he is to her.

"We'll talk more later, okay?"

He presses a gentles kiss to her forehead before leaving.

* * *

 "I think whatever is up with Bonnie is a lot worse than we thought," Caroline says to Elena over coffee that morning. "I startled her yesterday when she was sleeping and it was like she didn't even recognize me at first. She thought I was attacking her."

"Well, she was stuck alone with Kai and he did hurt her…do you think she has some PTSD?" Elena asks with a frown.

"PTSD, depression…I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it was to be trapped there…"

"Well, she did just get back. She just needs to adjust and we'll just have to keep showing her how much we care. She'll be okay." Elena was really trying to reassure herself more than anyone else.

"But what if it's more than that? I mean, I don't think this is something that you just snap out of," Caroline replies, biting her lip worriedly.

"I don't know."

If there's one thing Caroline hates it's feeling helpless. Especially when watching her loved one suffer.

* * *

 Bonnie receives a text from Damon later that afternoon.

_I have your bear. Come and get her when you're ready._

She honestly hasn't given much thought about Ms. Cuddles. Not like she probably should have.

Part of her debates whether it's worth it to go get the teddy bear—to get her magic back. She thinks a few years ago, she would have been so much better off to have never had magic in the first place. But now…the thought of her magic being out there for anyone—for Kai—to snatch is terrifying.

Not that she doesn't have confidence in Damon to protect it. After all, she had sent it back to present day Mystic Falls trusting that he would be the one to find, knowing that he would be the one to understand what it meant.

But still, she knows she'd feel better about having it back, about having her magic back to protect herself.

She debates with herself some more and procrastinates for hours before she finally works up the nerve to go get Ms. Cuddles.

She's surprised to find her care sitting in the garage, the keys taped to the visor.

She keeps finding herself surprised to find her things are still around. She wonders if it's because her loved ones were unable to let go or if they just couldn't be bothered to go through her things and pack them up.

_That's not true,_ she reminds herself. Her house and been clean and dust-free, so clearly someone had felt the need to upkeep her things for whatever reason.

When she gets to the old Salvatore boardinghouse, she stupidly stands there on the front porch. She doesn't really know what to do. Should she just enter? Should she knock?

Part of her almost decides to just turn around and flee, but before she can the door swings open, revealing Damon standing on the other side.

"Hey," she says lamely. "I got your text."

He nods and steps back, opening the door. "Come in."

He leaves her in the living room as he heads upstairs to grab the teddy bear, encouraging her to have a drink. She doesn't, though.

"Thanks for taking care of her for me," Bonnie says with a small smile, taking Ms. Cuddles from Damon.

"Of course."

She stands there awkwardly, not quite sure what else to say to him. When she looks at him, she can see that he feels the same way.

"Everyone…everyone is expecting things to go back to normal. And why shouldn't they? I mean, there's still the whole Kai problem, but I'm sure everyone expects me to be the one to just deal with it. And I will because I want him dead more than I want anything right now. But after being stuck in that hell with Kai and then on my own…" she takes a deep breath. "I'm not okay. I know that I'm not. And everybody knows it, but they want me to be okay and maybe one day I will be, but I don't know."

She hadn't meant to suddenly blurt all that out, but she thinks that if anyone would get it, Damon would. He had been trapped in that hellhole with her, too.

And he does get it. Every day he thought about what would have happened if he had been trapped there alone. Every single time Bonnie had stormed out on him, he had secretly feared that it would finally be the time she'd never come back and he would truly be alone.

And now that he looks at her…

He's seen her afraid before and he's seen her when she's sad, but even through those times she still had at least a little spark in her. It's what made her Bonnie.

Instead, she stands there nervously, picking at her cuticles and refusing to look at anything but the floor.

The thought that her spark had gone out—maybe for good—was upsetting.

Without really thinking about it, he reaches out and pulls her tightly into his arms.

It surprises her, but she allows it and even returns the hug.

* * *

 "What are you two doing?" Damon asks Elena and Caroline later that night.

They were both plastering Christmas decorations all over the boardinghouse. He's pretty sure that they must have both cracked because Christmas has been over for more than a week now.

"Well, since Bonnie missed Christmas, we figured we'd throw a Christmas part for her," Caroline explains. "When I first heard she was back, I'd been planning for a huge welcome back part, but we thought that this might be better."

"We know that Bonnie has been having a tough time of things," Elena adds. "We thought that something smaller with just our main group wouldn't have the pressure of a huge party, but would still let her know that we're happy she's back."

Damon has a feeling that this would either go surprisingly well or epically backfire.

He's learning more towards an epic backfire.

* * *

 It feels good to have her magic back. It feels safe.

At least she can better protect herself for when Kai inevitably comes back.

_You couldn't even protect yourself from him when you had your powers,_ whispers a traitorous little voice in her head that she does her best to shove down.

She's now alone in her home again, unsure of what to do with herself. She aimlessly wanders around the house, looking at the pictures hanging up on the walls.

There's pictures of when she was a baby being held by her father or by Grams. Her as a toddler. Eighth grade graduation. High school graduation.

There's no pictures of Abbie anywhere. She never confirmed it, but she's pretty sure her dad had destroyed all but a few of them after she had abandoned them.

She vaguely wonders what her mother's up to these days. She hadn't heard from her in over a year. She wonders if anyone had even bothered to tell Abbie what had happened to her. She wonders if Abbie would even care.

She looks at a picture of her and Grams. It was the last one that they had taken together before Grams died.

She thinks about what Grams said to her all those years ago.

_You're stronger than all of this._

It's almost painful how wrong Grams was on that account.

She moves on, touching a shaky hand to a picture of her and her father taken at her high school graduation.

He had been missing through so much of her life and then she had finally gotten a glimmer of hope and a promise of a chance to have a  _real_ relationship with him, only for it to be robbed away from her.

The more she thinks about it, the more her mind swirls with all the hopes, dreams, possibilities, opportunities that have been brutally stolen from her over the years.

She's surprised to find her eyes prickling with unshed tears. After her breakdown on the Gilbert's front porch, she'd been so sure that she had no tears left in her to ever cry again.

She forces herself to choke these tears back down, though.

She's almost positive that if she lets herself start crying that she wouldn't stop for weeks, if ever.


	4. Chapter 4

"Good morning," Caroline says cheerfully the next morning, a box of donuts in her hands. Bonnie notices instantly that it's not the typical bubbly, cheerful Caroline. It's the 'maybe, just maybe if we keep smiling we won't notice we're crawling on broken glass' Caroline.

When they sit down at the kitchen table, Caroline opens the box to reveal numerous bear claws. They had always been Bonnie's favorite. She doesn't really want one, but takes one anyway.

"I can't even begin to imagine how hard everything has been on you," Caroline begins.

Bonnie doesn't reply. Instead, she begins to pick apart the doughnut in front of her.

"Uh…me and Elena put together this Christmas/welcome back party for you tomorrow night at the Salvatore boardinghouse. It won't be that big…just our usual group."

It always amazed Bonnie how easily Caroline could push down her problems and everyone else's problems in favor of a good time.

She almost says no to Caroline and her party, but she hesitates. She's definitely not ready to just jump back in and move on, but maybe this could be a start.

_Or it could be the perfect disaster,_ says a little voice in Bonnie's head.

"Okay," Bonnie says hesitantly, despite her inhibitions.

Caroline's nervous, but hopeful expression breaks into a wide smile.

"Great! I will be here tomorrow to do your and makeup. It's going to be so much fun! You'll see."

Bonnie gives her a small smile even though she's not so convinced.

* * *

 "Definitely this one," Caroline says, pulling out a pretty, lacey forest-green dress that fell just above knees out of Bonnie's closet. Bonnie can't recall if she's ever even worn that dress.

Elena had come over as well and was currently working on turning Bonnie's hair into loose waves. She hasn't bothered to get it cut in a while and it managed to just brush her shoulders now.

Caroline had skillfully applied a smoky look to Bonnie's eyes, making the earthy green of her eyes pop. A neutral color had been applied to her lips.

When it's time to leave and go to the party, Bonnie insists on driving herself so that she could go home early if she wants to.

Caroline and Elena don't find that encouraging in the least, but they let it go. They were relieved that Bonnie even agreed to come to the party in the first place.

Everybody's already there, waiting for her. They take their turns welcoming her back, but look at her like she's a ticking time bomb.

Jeremy remains silent, apparently still not too thrilled with their non-conversation the other morning.

"I never got a real chance to thank you," Stefan says with a small smile. "For saving my life, for bringing Damon back."

She quirks her lips up slightly and gives a small nod.

"Hey," Matt says when he comes up to her. "Sorry I didn't come to see you earlier. I can't even begin to tell you how much I've missed you."

She looks at Matt, the ever earnest All-American boy that was perfectly happy to provide support when needed, but never overstepped his bounds.

God, she's so happy to see him again.

"I've missed you so much," Bonnie tells him, wrapping her arms around him.

It's as if that somehow casts relief on the entire room because everything is noticeably less tense.

She stays mostly to herself, engaging in conversation when people occasionally talk to her.

At one point she sees Elena with a piece of mistletoe, holding it over Damon's head with a coy smile. Surprisingly, Damon doesn't quite take the bait, though. Instead, he presses a small, chaste kiss to her cheek, leaving a noticeably disappointed Elena in his wake.

Bonnie can't even begin to fathom what that one was about given that Damon could barely shut up about Elena when they were trapped in 1994.

"You could use this," Damon says to her, pressing a glass of bourbon into her hand.

She hates bourbon and Damon knows that, but she figures that if nothing else it'll take the edge off. So, she forces herself to take a sip and chokes back a cough.

She thinks about asking Damon what the whole thing with Elena was about. Instead, she asks him, "Why does Alaric look like he's going to stab you any second?"

"It's a  _very_ long story."

She gets the impression that it really isn't all that long of a story, but he just doesn't want to tell her for whatever reason. She doesn't care enough to press it, though, so she just shrugs it off.

"Caroline hasn't lost her touch when it comes to parties," Damon says. It's almost painful how he tries to make small conversation.

"Yeah, well, the world could be literally blowing up around us and Caroline would still be trying to dance it off."

"You're morbid tonight…whatever happened to having hope?"

It's like those words suddenly chopped down the dam on every emotion she's repressed over the past years.

" _Hope?_ You want to talk to me about  _hope?"_ She spits out, her hand tightening on the glass. Damon's eyes widen as he realizes the big mistake he's made. "What the hell has  _hope_ ever gotten me?"

She must have been louder than she thought because the room suddenly goes dead silent and everyone's looking at her.

But she doesn't care.

"My entire family is  _dead._ Minus my vampire mother—which thanks for that by that way, both of you," she snaps, gesturing at both Stefan and Damon, "—who couldn't care less about my existence."

She turns to everyone else. "I spent an entire summer  _dead_ and none of you even noticed. And, okay, yeah, I was the one who tried to hide it, but seriously none of you found any of it strange? It's not weird that I would suddenly take off with my  _mother,_ the mother who most of the time can't even be bothered to acknowledge my existence? It's not weird that I would respond to your texts, but never pick edup the phone when one of you called? Really?"

"And then," she continues, her voice rising in volume. "When I was brought back to life, I was forced to feel the worst pain imaginable over and over again. Enough to make me wonder if maybe I had been better off dead in the first place. And no one even acknowledged it or asked me if I was okay." Her voice cracks a little bit, but she doesn't stop. "And then I died again so I could bring you all back to life."

"I sent you back here because I didn't know what to do, so I did what I could," Bonnie says, turning back to Damon. "And I was happy that at least one of us got back, but…I was trapped alone with Kai for weeks. Can you even begin to imagine all the different ways he tortured me? And then you dangled this hope of having a chance to come home in front of me and then it got snatched away and I was left  _alone."_

"And now I'm back, but for  _what?"_ Bonnie snaps as she turns to Caroline who was already crying. "So that you can continue to throw your stupid parties in an attempt to ignore how much life really sucks?"

She turns on Elena. "So that you can have someone to try and validate your  _insane_ co-dependence on anyone with the last name Salvatore?"

Jeremy's next. "So that you can have someone to blame for how broken your life is? Because, yeah, me calling you on the phone to tell you that I'm dying was fucked up. I know that, I do. But you trying to blame me for  _your_ bad choices—that's fucked up, too."

"But, really what does it matter in the end?" She says, looking around the room. "I mean, it's just Bonnie, right?"

Alaric and Tyler suddenly look incredibly uncomfortable and she doesn't even want to begin trying to discern what that's all about.

No one has anything to say in response to her entire tirade. Not that it would make a difference.

"So, no, Damon, I don't have any hope. It doesn't make a difference."

As she turns to leave, the tears she's been trying so hard to suppress since last night finally come out.

* * *

 She ends up in the graveyard.

She hadn't really intentionally gone there…she doesn't think. She had just gotten in her car and drove and this is where she ended up. So, she kicked off her high heels in the car and walked out into the graveyard.

There's a headstone there for her that her friends had put up.

_Bonnie Bennett_

_1992-2012_

_Beloved Friend_

As far as tombstones go, it's nice she supposes. It's made of smooth granite and its new enough that time hasn't worn it out or faded it at all.

"This is a bit morbid," Damon's voice says from behind her.

"Why'd you follow me?" Bonnie asks. She doesn't turn around to look at him, though. Instead, she keeps her eyes trained on the stone in front of her.

"The party got a bit boring after you left," Damon says dryly. "Why'd you come here of all places?" he asks her.

She shrugs before turning to look at him.

"It's not every day you get to stand on your own grave," she finally replies with a small shrug. She turns away from him again, moving to the tombstone next to hers. It was her father's.

"About what I said at the party…" Damon begins.

"Don't bother," Bonnie interrupts. "It doesn't matter. It was all going to come out sooner or later, I guess."

She continues to look at her father's headstone.

_Rudy Hopkins_

_1961-2011_

_Beloved Father_

She almost wants to laugh at the epitaph they had chosen for him. She had cared for her father and she greatly missed him, but he hadn't exactly been devoted or all the interested in being a father to her for a majority of her life. And now it wasn't like he'd ever get the chance to fix it.

She thinks back to the night before when she was looking at all those pictures in her house.

A small sound comes out of her. It's some mixture of a laugh and a choke.

"Bonnie…"

"Don't," she snaps, holding up a hand. She's visibly shaking as she tries to hold it all in. "It's fine. It's fine."

"Not it's not," he takes another step close.

"Will you just stop!" she snaps. The tears are flowing out of her again and she just desperately wishes that they wouldn't. "I can't stand it, okay? Everybody looks at me as if I'm either a ticking time bomb or as if there's something seriously wrong with me because I'm not ready to jump right back into the swing of things."

Damon stops and watches as she desperately fights with herself to get her emotions under control, refusing to let him see her face. He honestly has no idea what he's supposed to do or say.

"Well…what do you want?" He asks her.

Bonnie freezes up a bit. She honestly can't remember the last time someone's asked her that.

What did she want, though?

She could go back to school, 'give it the ole college try', and all that. Or she could even just leave town and try to start over, but where would she go? What would she do?

She turns back to Damon. She knows that she must look like a crazy person because she's standing barefoot in the middle of a cemetery in a party dress, the curls in her hair falling out, and she's sure that her makeup is streaked all over face.

"I don't know what I want," she replies.

And maybe deep down that's what actually scares her the most.


	5. Chapter 5

For the first time in a long time, she wakes up in the morning and nobody's knocking on her door.

It's actually a relief.

She lays in bed for most of the morning, staring at the ceiling, her mind a blank. Then, her phone starts ringing. Bonnie sees that it's Elena calling and she almost doesn't answer it, but she does.

"Kai is back in town," Elena says in a clipped voice.

Bonnie can tell that Elena is angry about what happened the night before, but she doesn't care. For the first time in her life, she can't find it in her to give a single damn about what Elena Gilbert thinks. It leaves her with the feeling of a huge weight being lifted off her chest.

"And let me guess: You want me to do something about it?"

"No, we actually have that covered. Jo thinks that she can beat Kai in the merge."

At first, Bonnie's totally confused as to what Elena is talking about, but she quickly remembers all that Elena had filled her in on when she'd first returned.

It's a dumb plan. Anyone with half a brain should have been able to recognize that. If Kai won the merge, then he would have Jo's power and become the new leader of the Gemini Coven. And they'd all be irrevocably screwed.

"So, how long have you been hiding it?"

"You're going to have to be a bit more specific," Bonnie replies.

"How long have you hated me?"

"Wait, what? Is that what you got out of everything I said last night?" Bonnie asks with a frown.

"Yeah, well, you made yourself pretty clear last night," Elena says. "So I'm just wondering how long you've felt that way."

"I don't hate you. I don't hate anyone. I don't have the energy for it." Pause. "Maybe you just need to get over yourself and realize that not everything's about you."

She hears Elena's angry inhale on the other line, but Bonnie stops her from saying anything.

"I've come back after spending  _months_ in some prison world and now I'm trying to figure out how to fit back into the real world and I'm always looking over my shoulder, wondering if the sociopath who spent weeks torturing me is coming back and now that he has…you're wondering if I hate you?"

Elena tries to say something again and Bonnie still doesn't give her the chance.

"I loved you. You were always family to me. More than most of my blood relatives were, even. And I gave you everything I had. And now I don't have anything left to give and…" The tears have started flowing freely again. It felt like all she does lately is cry. "How…how can someone I care about so much care so little for me?"

Bonnie doesn't wait for Elena to respond. Instead, she hangs up and throws her phone against the wall, not caring about the screen's glass shattering or the dent that it leaves in her wall. She then buries her head under her bed covers and goes back to hiding out from the world.

* * *

No one tells her when the merge is taking place. Not that she's surprised by that. No one tells her anything unless they want something from her.

It's not that hard to figure it out, though. The merge required a celestial event and once Bonnie found the soonest one, that took care of the  _when._ As for the  _where_ …well, her magic has long since advanced beyond needing blood to locate someone.

When Bonnie arrives, everyone's already there, including Kai. Apparently the merge has turned into some macabre spectator sport.

Everyone's surprised to see her.

"Bonnie,"

When Bonnie arrives, everyone's already there, including Kai. Apparently the merge has turned into some macabre spectator sport.

Everyone's surprised to see her.

"Bonnie," Kai says with a wide grin as if he didn't stab her and leave her stranded the last time he saw her. "Honestly, I wasn't expecting to ever see you again. I can't say I'm not happy to be wrong, though. You were so much more fun and interesting to play with than the rest of these losers."

Every word he says makes Bonnie's stomach churn and for a moment, she thinks she might actually end up emptying the contents of her stomach then and there. She pushes back the bile that is rising in the back of her throat, though, and squares her shoulders, fixing Kai with a determined look. Her hands are jammed into the pocket of her jacket and she fingers the pocket knife in there.

"Well, I certainly didn't want to miss the opportunity to watch you die," Bonnie says with a grin that almost borders on maniacal.

"See," Kai says, stepping closer to Bonnie. "That's assuming dear Jo here actually survives the merge. And let's be real: She won't."

"The merge isn't happening and you are going to die tonight."

And with that, she makes her move.

She pulls Kai's knife from her pocket and lunges for his neck. The squish it makes is frighteningly satisfying to her and she doesn't even flinch when he blood begins to spurt out, splashing onto her.

Elena screams and she hears someone shouting, "No!", but she doesn't know who.

She pulls the knife out of Kai's neck and sinks it back in. She moves rapidly, stabbing him anywhere and as often as she can.

Part of her almost wants to laugh. For all his boasting, for how truly frightening Kai was, for him to be brought down by a little pocket knife— _his own pocket knife_ …it was fucking  _hilarious._

Suddenly, someone wraps their arms around her and easily pulls her off Kai's body.

"Let go of me!" Bonnie shrieks, struggling. "Let go!"

"Bonnie, Bonnie!" Damon says in her ear. He wraps his arms around her tighter in an attempt to stop her struggling. "It's over," he tells her. "He's dead."

She stops struggling and Damon loosens his grip. Everyone looks at her in horror. Bonnie takes one last look at Kai's lifeless body before she shrugs Damon's arms off her. Then, she begins to run.

Even when she begins to tire, she forces herself to keep running until she reaches home.

Her thoughts are an incoherent, jumbled mess and she doesn't know what to do with herself.

Kai was dead.  _He was dead._ He couldn't hurt her or anyone else anymore.

She should feel happy, relieved, elated.

Yet, she still felt so  _hollow._

Kai's death only fixes a small part of the problem.

It doesn't change the fact that her life is a total fucking mess. It doesn't erase the months of solitary confinement, the weeks of torture. It doesn't bring her father or Grams back to life.

She doesn't really think about it when she heads straight for her father's liquor cabinet and begins to rapidly down the bottle of whiskey. She relishes the burning feeling it leaves in her throat and in her belly.

The novelty of it soon wears off, though, and she lets the bottle drop to the floor, ignoring the broken glass.

She sees the pictures in her home and this time it's like they're mocking her. She begins pulling them off the walls. Little chunks of plaster come off with them and the glass frames shatter as they hit the floor. She moves through the house like a hurricane, trying to break anything she could get her hands on.

Then, before she really even thinks about it, she's standing in front of the kitchen sink, a knife pressed against her wrist.

Before, when she had been trapped in 1994, she'd thought about what would happen if she could actually die. Would she find peace? Would it just be oblivion, where she simply didn't exist at all anymore?

She couldn't deny that the idea of oblivion sounded the most appealing right now.

She looks that the shiny metal gleaming in the dark. The cold, hard blade is a sharp contrast to the thin, fragile skin of her wrist.

She thinks back to the book she's been reading,  _The Bell Jar,_ and the part where Esther tries to slit her own wrist. She could remember most of the words verbatim in her head:

_I thought it would be easy, seeing the redness flower from my wrists…But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at._

She gets it.

Oh, God, does she get it.

She could rip into herself, break herself down bit by bit and still not get to the worst, most damaged parts of herself.

"Are you going to do it?" Damon asks her.

"How'd you get in?" she replies, not moving. "You've never been invited in."

"You died twice. It kinda negates the whole invitation thing. You still haven't answered by question," he says, not missing a beat.  _"Are you going to do it?"_

"I don't know," she whispers. She still hasn't moved. "Maybe."

Despite her words, the knife suddenly drops from her hands, clattering loudly in the sink. She clutches the edge of the sink so hard, her fingers turn white.

"I don't want to keep living like this."

"Kai's gone." She can hear him moving closer to her. "He can't hurt you anymore."

"It's not that. It doesn't really fix anything. I don't feel better. What's the point in any of it?"

Damon honestly doesn't know what to tell her. He's done the whole existential crisis thing more times than he could count and the only think he's learned is that there really isn't an answer. Telling her that wouldn't solve anything, though. It would just make things worse.

"Come on," he says, switching the subject. "Let's get you cleaned up. Trust me, the longer you let blood dry on you, the more of a bitch it is to get out."

Okay, so that's not helpful at all, either.

To his surprise, she lets him lead her upstairs into bathroom. He starts the shower and then stands there, unsure.

Under normal circumstances, he would have been grinning and making some cheeky comment about potentially getting to see her naked. Instead, he awkwardly clears his throat and tells her that he'll be standing outside to give her some privacy.

Bonnie watches his retreating back. Once the door is closed, she sits down on the closed lid of the toilet. Eventually, she gets the energy to start pulling off her blood-stained clothes.

When she steps into the shower, she can't even find the energy to stand up. So, instead, she curls herself into a ball on the floor and lets the water rain down on her.

She doesn't know how long she lays there, but it's long enough that the water turns cold and her skin begins to prune.

Bonnie hears the bathroom door open and she assumes that it's Damon checking to make sure that she's actually still alive.

"Bonnie," Caroline says, pulling back the curtain and shutting the water off. "C'mon, you can't stay in there. It's too cold now." The blonde helps her out.

She hands Bonnie her favorite pair of pajamas to change into. She then begins to blow dry Bonnie's hair, meticulously making sure that there were no snags or tangles.

"I said some horrible things to you," Bonnie says softly.

"Well, considering all that horrible things that have ever been said to me, what you said doesn't really rank."

"It still hurt you, though."

"Yeah," Caroline says quietly. "It did."

"And you're still here anyway?" She didn't exactly mean for it to come out as a question, but it did.

"Of course I am," Caroline says, looking down at Bonnie. "You're my best friend and I love you. And I know you're not okay right now and it scares the hell out of me that I don't know how to help you, but, still, I want to."

"All I do is cry anymore," Bonnie says, trying to furiously wipe away the tears.

"Because sometimes we all need a good cry. Or several good cries."

Bonnie begins to sob and Caroline hangs onto her tightly.

* * *

He sits in the hallway outside her room, listening to her breathing, to the gentle  _thump_ of her heart.

He could have left a long time ago. Caroline would stay the night with Bonnie, so there's really no need to be here.

He hadn't told Caroline what Bonnie had been almost ready to do, but seeing the destruction Bonnie had wrought upon her own house was enough to make Caroline even more concerned.

Back when they had been stuck together in 1994, he'd sometimes check on her at night. He'd never admit it, but a part of him had always been afraid that she'd disappear or that, every single time she had walked away from him, she wouldn't come back and then he would have been truly alone.

Then, when he had been sent back and she was still stuck there, he had been desperate to get her back. And it wasn't just because of guilt like Alaric claimed. Because, yeah, he did feel plenty of guilt, but…she was the only reason he was still alive.

Despite being trapped with seemingly no way out, she had remained optimistic and hopeful. She would argue with him, make fun of him, play board games and video games with him for hours. She would even do silly little things like make fake newscasts when she found an old camcorder.

And to see that insanely optimistic girl feeling so lost and hopeless…it hit something inside of him, something that he can't quite describe.

So he sits there and continues to listen to the sounds of her breathing and to the beat of her heart.


	6. Chapter 6

When she wakes up, Caroline is gone and Bonnie finds herself being disappointed by that.

When she gathers herself enough to get dressed and go downstairs, she notices that all the destruction she had wrought last night had been cleaned up. The holes ripped into the plaster of the walls from when she had forcefully torn down all those photos were still there, but the photographs and been taking from the busted frames and stacked neatly on the foyer table and all the broken glass had disappeared.

When she enters the kitchen, Damon is there, flipping pancakes. There's already a plate waiting for her on the table. A smiley vampire face looks back at her.

"I always tell you I hate that," she says softly, sitting down.

"And I always do it anyway," he replies, turning around with a Cheshire grin.

It's just like old times back in 1994.

Suddenly, it all flashes before her. Breakfast after breakfast with Damon, him cheating at every board game, seeing Kai for the first time, the burning pain of an arrow through her stomach, a grip around her throat, a knife below her heart, weeks alone, talking to herself just to hear some noise.

The fork she's holding drops onto the table with a loud  _clang._

"Bon?"

Her eyes snap back to meet his icy blue eyes. She realizes that her hand is clutching at her throat as if trying to pry something off it.

"It's fine," she says quickly, dropping her hand. "I'm fine."

She's lying and he knows it and she knows he knows it. She doesn't know why she bothers with that lie. She knows she's not fine. He knows she's not fine.  _Everybody_ knows she's not fine.

"It was a flashback, wasn't it?"

She shrugs a little and swallows thickly, looking away. She opens her mouth to say something, but is interrupted by the door slamming open.

"How the hell could you do it?" Elena snaps, barging in with little preamble to stand in front of Bonnie. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Elena," Damon says warningly.

"Now, because of you, Luke and Liv will have to complete the merge!"

Bonnie finds herself surprised when Damon takes Elena by the arm and propels the two of them outside, shutting the door behind them.

Despite her better judgement, she stands up and moves towards the door to eavesdrop.

"How can you possibly defend her for this?" she hears Elena practically yell.

"Why do you give more of a damn about Twitches than your own best friend?" Damon hisses back.

"I do care about, Bonnie, even if she hates me," Elena says defensively. "But that doesn't mean she gets a free pass to do whatever she wants!"

"How is it any different from what any of us have done before?"

"I know we've all done some bad things in the past, but…"

Bonnie finds herself drifting into her own thoughts. She thinks about how Elena had lost her memories of Damon over the summer. Part of Bonnie had always assumed that, for whatever reason, Damon brought out the worst parts in her best friend (or was it ex-best friend?). Yet, here she was…

 _Was she always like this and I never noticed till now?_ Bonnie wonders.

She's jerked out of her musings when the door bangs open once again and Damon reenters. They stand there staring at each other.

"You're ruining your chances," she blurts out before she can stop herself. "With Elena, I mean," she clarifies upon his confused look. "You're ruining your chances with Elena. I mean, you were always talking about how much you missed her and really wanted to see her again…" she trails off.

"She forgot about me," he replies, his jaw clenching a little. "She  _chose_ to forget about me. Through it all, even the worst moments, no matter how much it hurt, how crazy she made me, I would have never chosen to erase it all."

Bonnie doesn't know how to respond to that.

"C'mon," he says. "Your pancakes are getting cold and I've got one burning to a crisp on the stove and about to start a fire. And Caroline asked us to go take care of Liz while she and Stefan prepare the family cabin…she wants to move her there before…"

Bonnie finds herself a little surprised that Caroline would ask Damon to watch over Sheriff Forbes, but she supposes that Damon had struck up an odd little friendship with the officer.

"I…you…you don't have to stay with me or lug me around or anything," Bonnie says quietly, sitting down at the kitchen table. "What happened last night, what I almost…it…I'm…I'm not planning on trying it again."

Honestly, she didn't want to be left alone, but she didn't want to be everybody's burden, either.

"What, you just take my pancakes and then kick me out?" He jokes. "I don't think so. You're stuck with me for the day, like it or not, judgy."

She laughs a little and then begins crying again.

"I'm sorry," she says, shaking her head. "I don't know why I'm crying. Jesus, it's all I do anymore." She attempts to bury her face into the table to hide it, using her arms as a cushion.

"Hey," Damon says, pulling her until she lifts her head up. He cups her face and uses his thumbs to wipe her tears.

He does that until her tears dry up and then they go to eat the now cold pancakes.

* * *

As she slides into the passenger seat of Damon's Camaro, she finds herself getting lost in her thoughts again. Caroline didn't talk about her mother's troubles very often, but she's sure that inwardly the blonde wasn't handling it all.

Bonnie personally hadn't been super close to Liz Forbes, not like she had with Elena's parents, but she still should take the chance to say goodbye to her. It's not like she got that opportunity a whole lot.

"I had been helping Liz with some cold cases," Damon mentions. "One of them was actually about Elena's parents."

"She thinks Elena's parents were murdered?" Bonnie asks, her mouth gaping a little.

"She thought it was a possibility, but she was wrong. I'm actually going to let her know today."

"Does Elena know?" she asks. Part of her wonders if it would have somehow have been better if there and been a reason behind Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert's deaths other than pure, dumb fate. Probably not.

"Yeah, I told her yesterday, just a little before…uh, y'know."

_Before the whole fiasco with Kai._

Truth be told, even with knowing that Liv and Luke potentially having to complete the merge, she doesn't feel all that bad about killing Kai. She had literally slayed the monster from her nightmares, stopped him from potentially doing more harm…

 _Except, the nightmares won't stop,_ says a little voice in the back of her head.  _How do you ever get over something like that? You can't._

When they enter the house, they find Liz Forbes in bed. Bonnie can't help but find herself a little shocked at how exhausted and run-down she looked, but forcefully reminds herself that the last time she'd seen Liz Forbes she was happy and healthy.

"Bonnie," Liz says, greeting her with a small smile. "Caroline told me you were back. I'm glad."

Bonnie smiles back a little and nods. She stays glued next to the doorway, not quite sure what to do with herself.

"So, you're probably going to want a drink before I give you the news about the Gilbert case," Damon tells her.

The sheriff heaves a sigh. "Just tell me."

"It wasn't anything supernatural," he explains to her. "The voicemail message was Elena's mom wanting to ask you to intervene about Jeremy smoking pot and the suitcases in the trunk were supposed to be for a trip to their lake cabin that they were planning."

To Bonnie's surprise, the woman actually starts crying. She can't think of a time where she had ever seen Liz Forbes cry.

"I think…I think it would have been easier if it had been something supernatural," she says. "If there had been some reason behind it other than a stupid accident. It was a stupid accident. A stupid accident. Just fate."

Bonnie wonders if maybe Liz is actually talking more about herself and her illness than anything.

"I did everything right. I tried my best to be a good person, to take care of my family. I just…"

"I know," Damon hushes her, reaching to take her hand. "Sometimes terrible things happen to really amazing people."

"I suppose I should be grateful on some level," Liz says, tearfully nodding. "There's this strange sense of peace in knowing that I'm one of the few people in this town that actually get an ordinary death.  _I'm_ ordinary,  _exceptionally ordinary."_ Pause. "I'm glad Caroline isn't, though. If anyone was meant to be extraordinary, it's her. She needs to know how proud I am of her."

"She will," Damon reassures her. "You can tell herself when she gets back here tonight."

"Thank you. For today, for being here."

Damon's face looks more than a little pained.

"I never spent a whole lot of time with my mother before she died," he admits. "I was supposed to write the eulogy at her funeral, but then I bailed. I couldn't even bring myself to attend."

Bonnie finds herself feeling incredibly awkward. She can't help but feel like she's intruding on something and that she didn't quite belong there in that moment and should leave, but she finds herself glued to that spot.

She had never gotten the chance to really know her mother. She was too young when she left and she swept in and out of Bonnie's life too often, but she had had Grams. Still, though, she had wondered more than once what it would have been like to have had a  _real_ mother. One who would have raised her, taught her how to ride a bike, to tell her that she was extraordinary.

"Want a second chance?" Liz Forbes ask with a slightly wry smile. "Write mine." Pause. "Just nothing dirty."

"No promises. How about that drink now?"

Damon leaves the room to go pour some drinks. Bonnie watches him leave before turning back to Liz.

"Caroline told me how hard things have been for you," Liz says, motioning for her to come a little closer. Bonnie tentatively perches herself on the edge of the bed where Damon had been sitting before. "And it's probably unfair of me to ask you this, considering that and I've already asked Stefan, but…will you help her when I'm gone? She's going to need you now more than ever.

"Or course I will," Bonnie says. She finds herself crying again.

The older woman gives her a small smile and then her eyes slide closed and she's lying still. A little  _too_ still.

"Sheriff Forbes," Bonnie says quietly, her heart sinking. She has a sense of a de ja vu, thinking back to how she had found Grams that one night…

"Damon!" Bonnie screams. He vamp-speeds back into the room. "I don't thinks she's breathing! I don't think she's breathing!"

* * *

The doctors call the official time of death at five o' seven p.m.

It takes about two hours for someone to successfully pry Caroline away from her mother's body.

Bonnie sits there silently in the corner, not knowing what to say or do. The whole thing brought up a lot of memories. Memories of losing her Grams, hopelessly watching her father being murdered.

They eventually make their way back to the boardinghouse where everyone was. Caroline is silent and sits on the couch for the most part, completely stunned. The only sign of life from her is the tears that wouldn't stop.

The night passes away with coffee and idle chitchat. Elena, Tyler, and Matt trying their best to reminisce about happier times. Neither Bonnie or Caroline chime in.

Eventually, they end up passing out. Caroline falls asleep on the couch. Bonnie manages to grab a pillow and blanket before crashing on the floor. Elena is awkwardly propped against the couch, her neck at an angle that would have been horribly unpleasant to a human. Tyler somehow ends up under the coffee table, while Matt and Stefan passed out in a couple of armchairs.

Bonnie jerks awake in the middle of the night thanks to one of her usual nightmares. She's grateful that she didn't scream or anything like that. She didn't want people to see her like that, especially not tonight.

She looks over at Caroline only to realize that the blonde had woken too.

"Nightmare?" Caroline asks in a whisper. It was the first words she had spoken all night.

Bonnie nods. "You?"

"More like memories."

Caroline slides off the couch, grabbing her pillow and blanket. She lays next to Bonnie and the two cling to each other and silently cry.

* * *

The next morning, the blonde is up and at it, ready to get everything out of the way as soon as possible.

Bonnie and Elena easily put their difference to the side for the day to help with the funeral arrangements.

She never would have believed it would be possible to pull off a funeral in one day, but they manage it.

It mostly passes by in a blur for her. Damon gives a touching eulogy. Caroline sings beautifully. The usual ceremonies for deceases police officers commence.

She thinks back to Grams funeral and her father's funeral the entire time. And, not for the first time, Bonnie wonders what sort of cursed has been placed on her friends that none of them were allowed to have or keep any parental figures.

"I'm sorry to leave now, but I'm really tired," Bonnie says softly, as she hugs Caroline goodbye at  _the Grille_ that night. "If you need anything, call me," she whispers in the blonde's ear.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine by the end of tonight," Caroline assures Bonnie. Bonnie finds that particular phrase a little strange, but she doesn't read into it. The girl had just lost her mother, after all.

She goes home and falls into bed.

* * *

"Bonnie. Booooon Booooon," a voice sings out.

Bonnie's eyes snap open and she scrambles up. Reaching over, she snaps her lamp on. Caroline's standing over her bed, a wide grin stretched across her pretty face.

"Hey, so, I'm off to go get drunk. Possibly to get laid, too. You should join me," Caroline says. "I mean, your life sucks a lot, too, so why don't we just go forget about it?"

"What're—" Then, something inside Bonnie goes cold. "You shut off your emotions."

"Well, duh, why feel pain if you don't to?" Caroline asks with a tinkling laugh and a shrug. "Oh, don't give me that judgy little look," she adds upon seeing the expression on Bonnie's face. "You totally would have done the same thing too a long time ago if you could. My mom just died and my feet were crammed in the most painful shoes for over four hours, what else was I supposed to do?"

"Your mother would have been ashamed of you for doing this," Bonnie says before she can stop herself.

The blonde vampire looks angry and, for a moment, Bonnie sincerely believe that she's about to be attacked. However, Caroline takes a small step back and begins laughing.

"Nice one. That almost got me to flip my emotions back on." Her face goes back to being straight. "Ah, well. It's too bad. But, then again, I don't know what I expected. You've always been the boring one. Now you're just the boring, irrevocably damaged one."

And with that the blonde leaves as if she had never been there in the first place.

Not knowing what else to do, Bonnie grabs her phone and shakily goes through her contacts until she finds the name she's looking for.

"Damon," Bonnie says, half-whispering. "Caroline was here. She…she shut her humanity off."

* * *

"Did she hurt you?" Damon asks, zooming through her bedroom door.

"No," Bonnie says a little shakily. "She wanted me to go party with her, but I wouldn't and then I said some things I probably shouldn't have and then she left."

Damon nods, running a hand through his hair.

"We should go looking for her, shouldn't we? I mean, she could hurt somebody or…"

Damon shakes his head. "Stefan and Elena have it covered."

"Yeah, but I need to help her, I…"

"Bonnie," he says, placing firm hands on her shoulders. "Elena and Stefan have it covered. Ambushing her with all of us is just going to make her feeling cornered and it won't do anybody any good."

Bonnie bites her lips, wanting to argue with him, but she knows on some level that he's right.

"Are you going to stay the night?" she asks before she can stop herself.

"Do you want me to?" He asks, looking at her with an unreadable expression.

"Yes," she whispers and moves over to make space for him on her bed.

He slides in next to her and they next to each other, side-by-side, not touching, staring at the ceiling.

"Back when I was alone there," she says quietly, "I'd sometimes sleep in your bed. For a little while it smelled like you and I could pretend that I wasn't completely alone for a bit."

Silence.

"God, I'm being all weird again. I think the whole being alone for too long thing kinda left me not knowing when to shut up or what to keep to myself," she says, slapping a hand over her face half expecting him to laugh in her face and leave.

"Don't worry about it," he says. "I mean, who wouldn't miss me?"

She drops her hand and scoffs a little.

"Sometimes, when we were there together, I'd spend the night outside your door or I'd check in on you," he confesses. Her head turns and she looks at his profile. "Sometimes I was afraid that you'd disappear as a result of magic or some stupid cosmic force and then I'd be stuck alone. Don't get me wrong, living with you hadn't been a cake walk by any means, but it kept me sane and I probably would have tried to off myself a long time ago."

She stares at him, more than a little speechless. Then, wondering if she's pushing boundaries, she turns and curls into his side, her fingers lightly clutching at his shirt. She jumps a little when he starts running his fingers through her hair, but she relaxes into it and falls asleep.

And, for the first time in a long time, she feels safer than she's ever been.


	7. Chapter 7

She awkwardly stands in the hallways, hesitating and debating whether she's actually going to do this.

Whitmore offered free counseling services to their students and, while Bonnie wasn't technically a student anymore, she doubts they'd look too far into it. But she couldn't help her hesitation.

It's not that she thought seeing a therapist was bad…it's just…it's wasn't like she could really tell some stranger  _everything_ that had happened to her.

 _You can change some of the details,_ she tells herself.  _But maybe this could actually be a step towards rebuilding your life._   _You could try it at least once and then never come back…_

"Uh, can I help you…?" Asks the student worker behind the desk when she spots Bonnie awkwardly loitering.

"I…" Bonnie cautiously approaches the desk. "Um, I think I want to make an appointment? What's the soonest that's available?"

She guesses that the girl must be used to be that clearly looked like they wanted nothing more than to turn around and run away because she just smiles at Bonnie before turning to the computer and typing away.

"Looks like you're in luck," the girl says cheerfully. "Maria is free right now if you want to go see her. She points towards an office further in the room. "She's right through there."

Bonnie slowly walks towards the open door. When she enters, she sees a pretty woman with curly black hair and brown skin sitting in front of a laptop.

"Hello," the woman greets with a small smile. I'm sorry…I don't recall having an appointment at this time…" she flips through what looks like a day planner.

"I didn't exactly have one. The girl at the desk said you were free now, but I can come back later…" Bonnie moves to leave.

"No, no, no," the woman says, standing up. "Please, sit down. I was just worried that I wasn't as on top of things as I thought." She gestures for Bonnie to take a seat in a cushioned armchair.

"I'm Dr. Maria Gutiérrez, but please just call me Maria." She reaches out to warmly shake Bonnie's hand. "And you are…?"

"Bonnie. Bonnie Bennett."

"Oh, your grandmother used to teach here, right?" Maria asks, closing the office door before taking a seat in an armchair across from Bonnie's.

"Yeah, she taught occult studies."

"I remember her very well. Of course, it was hard not to."

Bonnie can't help but smile a little at that.

"So, what brings you here, Bonnie?"

"I, uh…" Bonnie looks down at her hands, picking at her cuticles a bit. "I guess that because of some things that have happened in my life, I've been feeling a little lost."

"What were these things that happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

Bonnie continues picking at her cuticles.

"I'm not here to make you talk about anything you don't want to, Bonnie," Maria tells her softly. "This is your time to talk about whatever you want."

"Uhm, it's just that I don't know exactly where to begin," Bonnie admits, looking back up at Maria.

"Well, when did you start feeling like you were lost?"

"When Grams died," Bonnie replies honestly.

"That must have been hard. I take it that the two of you were very close?"

"Yeah," she replies quietly. "My mom had never really been in the picture, so Grams did her best to fill that space."

"And the rest of your family?"

"My dad was murdered about a year and a half ago, but he hadn't exactly been that involved in my life, either. Well, actually, he was starting to get more involved right around the time he died," Bonnie amends. Her mind flashes back to seeing Silas slit her father's throat and her not being able to do anything about it because she had been  _dead._ She jerks a little as she picks at one of her cuticles too hard, drawing a little blood. "For a long time I'd thought I could rely on my friends, but…" Pause. "One of them she, uh, I guess we'd both changed over the years and grew apart or whatever. And this other friend…she'd been trying to help me, but she's been going through some things, too. But there is another friend and I do feel better around him and he's been trying to help me, too, but I'm not so sure he  _really_ gets it…actually, I'm not so sure anyone really  _could,_ though."

"What about your college life? Have you met new friends, gotten involved in any activities?" Maria asks.

"Not really," Bonnie admits.

"Maybe that would be a bit of a start, then," Maria suggests. "It's not unusual to feel a bit lost, especially during your college years, especially when you feel like you lack a support system. But it helps to get connected with different groups and people."

Bonnie nods, but doesn't say anything.

"If you decide that you want to continue to see me, what are your goals? What do you want to get out of this?" Maria asks.

"I don't know…I guess I just want to try and piece my life back together."

Maria gives her a gentle smile. "Well, I do hope you come back again. And just in case…" she moves to her desk and pulls out what looks like a small business card. "I'm on campus two days a week, but I am at my clinic the other three days of the week. Feel free to call if you'd like."

Bonnie smiles and takes the card and gives her a soft thanks before exiting the office. She honestly can't say if any of that really did anything for her or not.

 _Maybe she has a point about trying to connect with others, though,_ Bonnie thinks.  _Maybe it's time to attempt to have a part of my life that's actually separate from the supernatural…_

After she heads down the stairs to reach the first floor of the building, she literally almost runs into Elena.

"Hey," the brunette vampire says, surprised. "What are you doing on campus?"

"Uh, thinking about possibly re-enrolling," Bonnie lies with a small shrug.

She doesn't exactly know where she and Elena's relationship stands, but even beyond that, she hadn't really planned on telling  _anyone_ about her little excursion today. But, as Elena looks up at the staircase that Bonnie had just descended from, she has a feeling that the vampire had put two and two together.

"I've got some time before my next class…can we talk?" Elena asks.

Bonnie clutches the strap of her bag a little tighter, hesitant. She's surprised that Elena was even interested in talking at all given the whole debacle a couple of mornings ago.

But…maybe they could finally clear the air between them.

So, Bonnie nods and they make their way to go grab some coffee.

"Did you and Stefan ever find Caroline last night?" Bonnie asks.

"Yeah, but it didn't exactly go so well…which is a  _huge_ understatement," Elena says with a sigh, pushing her brown curls out of her face. "She was really angry that we tried to interfere, so she tried to kill Stefan's niece, Sarah, to make a point. But we made a deal that if we leave her alone for a couple of months, she won't kill anyone and flip it back on then."

Bonnie's head swirls with all that information.

"Wait, Stefan's niece?"

"Yeah, turns out that Zach had a daughter with a woman named Gail, but Stefan erased it from his mind because…"

"Damon had told me all about it in 1994," Bonnie interjects. She ignores Elena's sharp look when Bonnie says it. "Well, except that the baby was supposed to be dead. Does Damon know that she's alive?"

"Uh, now that I think about it, with everything that's been doing on, I think it kinda slipped our minds."

Bonnie purses her lips, but decides not to comment on it any further. Instead, she asks, "What about Caroline? I know she says she won't hurt anybody, but with no emotions…it's kinda just a matter of time."

"I don't know," Elena groans. "If we push her too much, then she definitely  _will_ start killing, just like I did, but if we don't, then she might start killing anyway."

Silence.

"I guess I do owe you an apology, though," Elena says. "It turns out that maybe you not letting Jo complete the merge with Kai was actually for the best. She just found out that she's pregnant. She thinks she's about three months along, four at the most."

Bonnie blinks in surprise. She doesn't really know Jo all that well, but she supposes that she's happy for her and Ric. Good news was rare for any of them.

"But if she wasn't, would you still be yelling at me about how I'm incredibly selfish even though any of you would have done the same in my position?" Bonnie asks before she can stop herself.

Elena's mouth drops open a little, but she closes it and just frowns instead before becoming very interested in the coffee cup in front of her.

"What happened to ask?" Elena asks after what feels like forever, looking back up at Bonnie.

Biting her lip and looking somewhere over Elena's shoulder before focusing back on the brunette in front of her, Bonnie answers, "I don't know. I guess we just grew apart."

"Yeah, but I never thought we would," Elena says. "We're supposed to be bonded for life."

"Look, I don't know what to tell you, Elena. We're not who we used to be and I don't know if we'll ever get back to how we used to be," Bonnie replies honestly. "But for whatever it's worth, I meant it when I said I didn't hate you."

Bonnie walks away and to her surprise, she actually feels a little lighter.

* * *

"Hey," Stefan greets her when he opens the massive front door to the boardinghouse. He steps aside to let her in.

"Hi…is Damon around?" Bonnie asks and she walks into the massive foyer.

"No, but you can wait here if you want," Stefan offers.

"Uh, thanks, but no. I'll call him later or something, I guess," Bonnie replies shaking her head.

"How have you been?" Stefan asks, looking at her with concerned etched on his face.

"I've been trying to figure out how to deal with… _everything._ Whether I'm doing a good job or not is a different matter," Bonnie admits.

"It takes time," Stefan says. "I know after I spent that summer in the bottom of the quarry, I never thought I'd be okay again."

"Yeah, but you did…how?"

"Katherine locked me in a safe with her. I wouldn't recommend it, though," he replies dryly.

Bonnie lets out a small laugh.

"Look, I know over the years we haven't really been, uh, close with each other and that's my fault. But if you ever want to talk or just want to be around someone, I'm here," he offers, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Thanks," she replies sincerely. "Uh, I'm going to get going know, though." She turns to leave and then pauses. "Hey, you should really tell Damon about Sarah," she tells Stefan. "He'd care a lot more than you might think."

That night, she takes the pictures that had been neatly stacked up on the foyer table and lays them out on the coffee table side by side. She sits on the floor, looking over all of them, thinking about what Maria said about trying to connect with people.

* * *

"So, you'll never believe what Stefan told me today," Damon tells her as he enters her home and heads straight for where she's at.

"Yeah?" Bonnie replies, even though she knows.

"Zach's child is still alive," he tells her, sitting on an armchair nearby, clearly more than a little stunned. "Stefan brought Gail to the hospital and they managed to save the baby. Her name's Sarah. She was adopted by a family and now majors in art at Duke and everything."

"That's great," Bonnie says with a smile. "So…are you going to try and get into contact with her or…?"

He looks down at his hands, fiddling with his daylight ring again. "No," he decides. "She's got a good life. She doesn't need to know about us. Although, apparently Enzo thought it was okay to try and mess with her to get back at Stefan for something, so I'll be paying him a visit tonight."

"I'm sure getting back into some little bromance thing with him will solve your problems."

Damon snorts.

"So, what have you been up to?" He asks with raised eyebrows, looking over at all the photographs she'd spread out on the coffee table.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking," she replies. She pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on them. "I've been thinking about re-enrolling at Whitmore and moving back into the dorms. Although, I'm not so sure about moving back in with Caroline and Elena and the idea of moving in with some people I don't even know isn't exactly appealing either. I guess I could just commute back and forth if I plan my classes right. Although, the enrollment deadline is kind of long passed."

"Just say the word and I'll fix it all," he tells her with a shrug.

She smiles a little.

"I'm also thinking about getting a dog…so that it's not so quiet around here all the time."

"Pfft, you really want to deal with drool and chewed up shoes and fur everywhere?"

"Hey, dogs are great," she replies. "I had one growing up. A golden retriever named Bear. We actually grew up together because he was still a puppy at the same time I was born."

Truth be told, she hadn't thought of Bear in years. But looking at all the pictures, she saw one of her and him when she was a baby and he was a puppy. They were passed out next to one another.

She remembered reading somewhere that it wasn't unusual for someone to take comfort in a pet. And it would give her something worthwhile to focus on and it wasn't like there wasn't a shortage of dogs that needed a good home.

"This was him," she says, plucking up the picture and showing it to him.

"Hmm, they still drool, though," he says, looking at the picture.

"Oh, come on, I know life sucked growing up during your time, grandpa, but didn't you ever have any pets?"

"A: If I'm a grandpa, then I'm a very sexy grandpa. B: We had dogs, but they were for hunting, so it was completely different."

"Oh, whatever," she says rolling her eyes.

They fall into a comfortable silence.

"So, what do you say I go pour some drinks while you put on  _the Bodyguard?"_ Damon suggest.

"You hate the  _the Bodyguard,"_ Bonnie replies with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't  _hate_ it…I just didn't understand your need to watch it almost every other day," he replies.

"As opposed to what? You wanting to watch  _Groundhog Day_ when we weren't watching  _the Bodyguard_ because, and I quote, 'you can't pass up irony like this'."

"Is that supposed to me? I don't talk like that."

She laughs a little. "Just shut up and go pour some drinks." She gets up to go seek out her copy of  _the Bodyguard._

She can't help but smile as she hears Damon mutter, "Rude," before he gets up to pour some drinks.


	8. Chapter 8

A couple nights later, she's sitting at her kitchen table, perusing Whitmore's catalog online and deciding what classes she might want to take. And possibly what major she might want to declare.

Only thing is, she doesn't really know what she wants to do. She'd taking up a lot of reading, lately, but was English a real passion for her? She'd always like working with nature in plants…maybe biology?

"So I decided to give you a second chance to come party with me," Caroline announces, striding into Bonnie's home.

"Why are you so insistent on me partying with you?" Bonnie asks, looking over at Caroline with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey, it's not like we can't still be friends," Caroline replies, crossing her arms over her chest. "I mean, I'm still me…just none of that depressing, woe is me, my mommy's dead drama."

Bonnie just looks at her.

"There's a rave on campus. Dance, get drunk, get laid. It'll make you feel a lot better, trust me."

Looking at Caroline, Bonnie thinks she finally gets. She knows that having the switch off means that you technically aren't supposed to feel emotion, but Bonnie wonders how much of that is true or how much it differs from vampire to vampire. Because when she looks at Caroline she's a scared girl afraid of being alone because she'd had just lost her only family.

And Bonnie gets that.

"If it makes you feel better you can just pretend that you're going so I don't kill someone." She breaks out into laughter upon Bonnie's look. "Don't worry, Bon Bon, I'm not  _actually_ going to kill someone. If bodies start piling up, that'll draw a lot of attention and then Saint Elena and Saint Stefan and Saint you are going to be up my ass even more."

Bonnie sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. Maybe she could give it a try. She used to enjoy these sorts of things once upon a time.

"Okay," Bonnie sighs, closing her laptop. "Just let me get dressed."

And that's how Bonnie ends up in a room with way too many people, with music that's too loud, and lights that are too trippy.

It's been forever since she's been in a large crowd like this and she can't help but partially want to crawl out of her skin.

She's perfectly happy to plant herself against the wall, though. That is, until a man approaches her.

He's attractive and clearly knows it. He also clearly doesn't know how to take no for an answer when he pulls her out on to the dance floor despite her protests.

"Loosen up a bit sweetheart." His breath is hot on her face and he reeks of so much alcohol that she wonders if she could get a buzz just from standing near him.

"Down boy," she says, trying to push his hands somewhere that was less inappropriate.

"Can't help it, baby, you're too hot." One hand comes down to grip her butt, pulling her closer to him, while another snakes around for a handful of breast.

She could feel the anger flare through her to the point where she actually thought it was a tangible thing she could touch.

How dare he think it's okay to push her around and touch her without her consent.

Before she even really thinks about it, she grips both of his forearms tightly as smoke escapes from under her palms.

"What the fuck?!" He roars, pulling away and staring down at his now burned arms.

"Can't help it. I'm too hot," she quips. She does her best to mask the fear she felt creeping up with in her as she looks at his half-confused, half-angry expression.

Everything in her told her it was time to get out of there  _now._

* * *

"Isn't it a bit late for you to be coming in now?" Damon asks with raised eyebrows when he opens the door. She doesn't know why she doesn't just start barging in instead of knocking. It's what everyone else seemed to do with her home.

"Sorry, Dad, I lost track of time and then next thing I knew it was past curfew," Bonnie replies sarcastically, entering the boardinghouse.

"Keep it up, young lady, and I'll put you over my knee and spank you."

"Yeah…let's just stop now before it gets any weirder than it already just did." She turns and heads for the living room, going straight for the decanter full of bourbon.

"So, not that it's a problem, but is there any particular reason why you're suddenly coming here at two in the morning?" Damon asks, closing the massive door.

"Well, Caroline somehow managed to talk me into going to a rave tonight," Bonnie tells him. "This guy got a little handsy with me and I burned him.

"Good," Damon replies with a shrug, taking the glass that she offers him while she sips from her own.

"No,  _not_ good. What if I had done something worse? I just got so  _angry…_ I wasn't thinking."

"He wasn't exactly an innocent little puppy," Damon points out, lounging on an overstuffed couch.

"I know, but that's not like me," Bonnie says, sitting down next to him. "I think…it made me think of Kai. I mean, he never touched me like that," she adds quickly upon Damon's sharp look. "It's just that the idea of someone putting their hands on me when I'm telling them not to…"

Bonnie sighs and drains the rest of her glass before setting it down on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I'm just…it's been a long night. I'm going to go home and sleep it off." She stands up to leave.

"Stay," Damon says. He reaches out, his fingers looping lightly around her wrist to stop her. "It's late and you're tired and I'm too lazy to drive you home, so just stay."

She pauses and then nods.

They make their way upstairs. Damon digs through his dresser drawers before tossing a black button-up and black sweatpants at her. She almost laughs out loud because for some reason she would have never thought that Damon Salvatore actually owned a pair of sweatpants.

She moves into the bathroom to dress in privacy. She takes a strange comfort in how the too-big clothes envelop her body. Then she exits the bathroom and settles into the bed next to Damon.

A realization comes over Bonnie as she lays her head down. It's not the kind of realization that hits you like a bucket of ice water or like a speeding bullet. It's more like the kind of realization that's like a piece of truth in the back of your mind that's been there for a little while, but yet for some reason it doesn't consciously occur to you until a certain moment.

"It's a little strange, isn't it?" She asks Damon, turning on her side to face him. "That somewhere along the way we of all people became best friends?"

She half expects him to scoff at her or deny it or make some witty remark or all of the above, but instead, he gives her one of his lopsided smiles and replies, "Stranger things have happened." Pause. "Besides, I'm  _irresistible…_ like a fever you can't sweat out."

_Ah, there's the witty remark._

"More like a disease," she responds dryly, but a small smile still paints her lips.

She closes her eyes and lets herself fall asleep.

* * *

"So have you given anymore thought to what I said last week about trying to connect with others?" Maria asks.

"Uh, I went to a rave a couple nights ago, but it didn't go so well…this guy got a little too… _familiar_ with me, I guess you could say. It brought back some bad memories." Bonnie looks down and begins picking at her cuticles. It's become such a bad habit she should really stop and go get a manicure or something to give her nailbeds a little TLC.

"Do you mind me asking what these memories are?"

And there it is. She knew sooner or later it would come to the point where she had the opening to talk about Kai.

She practically envisions herself about to jump off a cliff where only a very small portion of where she'd land isn't covered by sharp rocks. But maybe it was time to take the plunge.

She'd mentioned how Kai had hurt her to her friends before…well, more like yelled at them about it to prove a point. She never actually took the time to sit down and talk about it and process it.

Granted, she couldn't exactly tell Maria that she had been trapped in an alternate dimension that was nearly twenty years ago with a psychopathic warlock, but…

"Um, there had once been this guy. He was never my boyfriend or anything, but a series of really strange circumstances made it so that I had to be around him  _a lot._ And…he hurt me." Pause. "Not that he raped or molested me," she clarifies, realizing how that can be taken. "I mean, he would sometimes make unwelcome advances, but he would physically abuse me a lot. And then for a very long time, I was…isolated from everyone."

She doesn't realize that she's crying until she feels the warm wetness on her cheeks. Maria helpful pushes a box of tissues across the coffee table between them so they're within in her reach.

"Do your current circumstances have you living somewhere that's safe now?" Maria asks, warm brown eyes watching her carefully.

"Yeah. Trust me, there's no way he can ever come back to my life now." And, boy, was that ever the understatement considering she had shanked Kai like a maniacal serial killer. "But, uh, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't leave its mark. It's been a lot of anxiety, some insomnia, some days when I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed. Uh, there's bene flashbacks…it's all very textbook PTSD."

Wow. Only her second visit and Bonnie was spilling her guts like nobody's business. Either Maria was just that good or Bonnie just didn't know how to shut up once she got started. Or both.

She conveniently left out the part where she almost slit her wrist open that one of bed. Uh, there's bene flashbacks…it's all very textbook PTSD."

Wow. Only her second visit and Bonnie was spilling her guts like nobody's business. Either Maria was just that good or Bonnie just didn't know how to shut up once she got started. Or both.

She conveniently leaves out the part where she almost slit her wrist open that one night. She doesn't know all the ins and outs of what would legally bind Maria to have her admitted to the hospital, but she certainly didn't want to find out.

"It's not unusual to have experiences like what you described after you've gone through traumatic events," Maria assures her. "However…" she gets up to move to her desk and busily types at her laptop. "There is someone I'd like you to see." She scribbles something down on a Post-It note before handing it to Bonnie. "This is the contact information for a Dr. Elias McNamara. He's a psychiatrist and I think you could benefit a lot from seeing him, too."

Bonnie bites her lip.

A psychiatrist basically meant that Maria wanted her evaluated for a diagnosis to possibly be prescribed medication and/or bed admitted for observation if her 'condition' was considered severe enough.

She really didn't need a doctor to tell her that she had PTSD. Anybody that ever took a gen-ed Psych class could tell her that.

"Now, this doesn't mean that you can't continue to see me," Maria says. "In fact, I would encourage you, too. And I know that you might feel some trepidation about seeing Dr. McNamara and that's perfectly normal, but there's no shame in it. I can't make you go, but I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think that it would be beneficial to you."

Bonnie looks down at the sticky note, trying to ignore the feeling in her stomach that was akin to someone taking the organ in a fist and squeezing on it as hard as possible.


	9. Chapter 9

She spends about an hour staring down the sticky note Maria gave her before she manages to work up the nerve to call and schedule an appointment with Dr. McNamara.

Approximately three days later, she's sitting in an office with a balding man in his sixties who had eyes that were so grey, they had no color. It made her feel like he could literally see straight through her and it was uncomfortable.

He does the expected run through of her history, her symptoms, etc., etc. And, as usual, she gives away selective information.

She leaves with a diagnosis for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a prescription for Paxil and instructions to have weekly visits with him so that he can monitor the effects of her medication as well as her symptoms.

She shoves the little piece of paper with the illegible writing that's typical of a doctor in a kitchen drawer, undecided if she'll actually go to get the prescription filled or not.

She's not surprised by the results of her visit to Dr. McNamara. But…some of the things she's heard about antidepressants made her  _extremely_ hesitant to want to take them.

" _You don't have to be on these forever, Ms. Bennett," Dr. McNamara had assured. "The medication can take time to have effect and the dosage may need to be adjusted or we could always try a different medication if it does not appear to be helpful."_

Bonnie sighs and pulls the prescription back out of the kitchen drawer and grabs her puss of the counter. If nothing else, she could always just toss the pills down the toilet if she decides she doesn't like them.

* * *

She seriously begins to think about moving. She could get a little apartment nearby Whitmore.

When Grams had died, she'd inherited everything and when her father had died, she'd inherited everything then, too. She certainly wasn't Salvatore level rich, but thankfully money wasn't a  _huge_ issue as long as she was responsible with it.

She could sell the house and keep Grams' house for when she wanted to stay in Mystic Falls. It was actually sounding like a good plan to her.

And she'd get a dog. Or maybe a cat. Cats were a lot more self-sufficient. They would probably be a little better for now. And if the apartment wasn't friendly? Screw them. She'd get a cat anyway.

As for college…she'd wait until next semester or maybe even take a couple courses of the summer. The current semester was halfway over, so it seemed kind of dumb to try and start now.

She cracks her laptop open to begin her apartment search.

* * *

"I know Dr. McNamara has been checking in with you on this front, but how do you think the medication is helping you?"

"At first I didn't want to take it," Bonnie admits. "I just…I'd heard so many bad things about these types of drugs, so…but, it actually hasn't been as bad as I thought. It made me a little nauseous at first and a little numb, but the longer I've been taking it, the more that seems to go away. Now, I'm just eating everything in sight and I get a little more tired easily."

"And emotionally?"

"Less anxiety, less panic attacks. It doesn't get rid of the flashbacks, but I feel less like finding somewhere to hide when they happen."

"Good," Maria replies with a smile. "However, something I've noticed is how you tend to avoid specifics as much as possible. Especially when talking about what happened. Something that I've seen be helpful to a number of people who have gone through similar experiences is to revisit the traumatic events, so to speak. It helps one to gradually come to terms with what has happened to them and be able to think about it in a way that doesn't debilitate them and it's typically done gradually."

"I…uhm, I don't think I can do that," Bonnie says quickly. She doesn't really have any cuticles left to pick at, but she does it anyway.

"Would it be easier with others?" Maria asks. "I run group therapy at my clinic once a week and you'd be a welcome addition," she offers.

"No. I…," Bonnie bites her lips and takes a deep breath. "It was already hard enough even coming to you or Dr. McNamara and talking about it at all. There's no way I could go in front of a bunch of strangers and give full detail."

"Okay, that's fine," Maria says soothingly. "Maybe there's someone in your life that you can tell?"

Bonnie shrugs, looking down at her hands.

"I'm not trying to make you do anything you don't want to do," Maria reminds her. It was something she reminded Bonnie about practically every session. "But this isn't meant to be easy. The road to recovery is hard. I won't sugarcoat that for you. But believe me, when you come out on the other side, and you  _will,_ you will be all that much stronger for it."

* * *

"How did you do it?" Bonnie asks Damon one night while they were watching  _Groundhog Day_ for what was probably the umpteenth time.

"Do what?" Damon asks, his eyes not leaving the screen.

"How did you just slide right back into life when you got back like nothing happened?"

"I didn't," he responds, turning to look at her. "I came back to find that Stefan took off for a while and that Elena decided to have her memories wiped."

Bonnie bites her lip and looks away. She feels a little guilty for thinking that it had all been so easy for him.

""At first I didn't know what to do," he admits. "Everything had changed and I felt guilty because I was back and I thought you were dead. But then I found out you were alive, so I focused on getting you back."

"I never did thank you for bringing me back," Bonnie says quietly, looking back up at him.

"You sacrificed yourself for us over and over again," he replies simply.

She curls up comfortably to his side and just enjoys the feeling of being close to somebody.

* * *

"Thanks for doing this," Bonnie says to Matt. "I think I'd really botch it if I tried it on my own."

She'd asked Matt if he wouldn't mind helping her plaster over the little holes left from when she'd ripped the picture frames off the wall. If she wanted to sell the house, a couple repairs had to be made here and there.

"Not a problem," Matt replies with a smile. "Are you sure about this, though? Selling the house and moving, I mean? It's a big decision."

"Yeah, it is, but I think it'll be good. I'm hanging onto Grams' house if I want somewhere to ever stay in Mystic Falls. But…I think it'll be good to have a place all to myself without all the constant memories."

"Well, promise me you'll still come to visit and hang out somewhat regularly, please. As usual, you're the only person around here who isn't driving me crazy."

"Even Tyler?" Bonnie teases. "I thought you and your bromance was unbreakable."

"He and Live are fighting over something that he refuses to talk about. But I ended up enrolling him in police academy with me, though, just to make him do  _something_ besides sitting around and getting drunk."

"Wait, you enrolled in police academy?" Bonnie asks, surprised.

"Yeah, a while ago, actually."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bonnie asks with a small frown.

"Well, you've had a lot going on," Matt says, finishing up the last hole and then setting his tools down. "It's not like you need to hear the boring details of my boring life."

"But I'd like to," Bonnie says. "And I'm happy for you. You're going to make a great police officer." She hugs him, not caring that she might be getting plaster on her clothes. "So, what are the chances of me being able to bribe you to also help me repaint this wall?"

* * *

"So, I hate that one guy for you," Caroline tells her, sliding into the booth across from her.

"You  _what?"_ Bonie asks, half-chocking on her soda.

"You remember, don't you? That got that got  _way_ to handsy with you at the rave like two months ago? I would have done something then, but I was a little busy with this one boy toy. Buuut, I saw that scum bag at a party last night and I remembered him, so I ate," Caroline explains with a big smile.

Her cheerful expression dissipates upon Bonnie's face.

"Oh, don't give me that look. I didn't kill him. I just drank his blood, broke a couple bones, and compelled him to tell every woman he tries to talk to about what a skeeze he is."

"You shouldn't have done that," Bonnie says.

"Oh, come on, he totally deserved it! Betcha he'll think twice about putting his filthy hands on someone like that again."

Bonnie sighs, brushing her hair out of her face. Arguing with Caroline about this wasn't going to get her anywhere.

"Are you ever going to turn your humanity back on, Care?" Bonnie asks softly.

"Probably," the blonde replies with a shrug, reaching over to steal some fries off Bonnie's plate. "The novelty's kinda wearing off a bit, to be honest. Although, I do take a certain pride in being the only vampire to actually be functioning with their humanity of." Pause. "Anywho, what are you up to today? Wanna come with me on a shopping trip?"

"Actually, I'm apartment hunting today," Bonnie replies. "I was just grapping a quick lunch beforehand."

Caroline's eyebrows shoot up.

"I'm looking for somewhere close to Whitmore," Bonnie clarifies.

"If you're planning on going back to school why don't you just move in with Elena and me?" Caroline asks. "We have a Bonnie-sized space in our room."

"No offense," Bonnie says with a small smile, "But, I have feeling that either you or Elena would end up driving me crazy. Or both of you would."

To her surprise Caroline actually throws her head back and laughs at that. Bonnie can't help but laugh with her.

* * *

She actually did it. She actually got her own apartment.

There was one she had fallen in love with instantly. It had hardwood floors, a decent-sized bedroom, a little balcony. The kitchen and bathroom were a little bit on the smaller side, but that was okay with her.

"So I got an apartment today," Bonnie tells Damon as she works on cutting up vegetables for dinner.

"You what?"

"It's near Whitmore. I'm still keeping Grams' house for when I want to stick around Mystic Falls."

"And you're leaving me in a town full of total idiots," Damon sighs dramatically.

"I'm moving like thirty miles away, not three hundred," Bonnie replies, laughing a little. Her laughter dies down when she sees Damon staring at something by her coffee maker.

And that's when she remembers that she'd left her bottle of Paxil there this morning. She drops her knife on the cutting board and practically runs over, squeezing in by Damon and grabbing up the pill bottle. She quickly stuffs it in a kitchen drawer, slamming it shut. But she knew he'd seen.

"I, uh…a couple days after Sheriff Forbes' funeral, I decided to go see a psychologist over at Whitmore," she explains, looking down at the floor. "After a couple visits, she recommended that I go see this one psychiatrist, too. He told me I had PTSD, which is really surprising to like nobody, and then he gave me some Paxil. And I've been taking it for like almost two months now."

"Oh." He turns back to working on the pasta.

"Oh?" She asks, a little wide-eyed. "That's it? Oh?"

"Was there something else you wanted me to say?" He asks. "If it's helping you, then it's helping you."

She doesn't know what to say. She hadn't told anyone about Maria or Dr. McNamara or the medication because she was afraid of what they'd say or how they'd treat her after knowing.

"Oh," she says. She goes back to helping him with dinner, feeling a little lighter.


	10. Chapter 10

To say that she's surprised to get an invitation to Jo's baby shower in the mail is an understatement, considering she barely even knows the woman and especially considering that Elena is the one hosting it.

Her first instinct is to call Elena and tell her she can't make and then maybe mail Jo and Ric a gift or something.

Yet, somehow, she finds herself in a hospital conference room with blue and pink streamers and other baby-themed decorations all over. Doctors and nurses ooh and ah over Jo's ever-growing baby bump. There's stupid baby shower games that they all get roped into playing (and that Caroline mercilessly makes fun of with no shame, much to the other guests' horror, making Bonnie wonder if Caroline actually crashed the event instead of being invited).

"I know he hurt you," Jo says, reaching out and gently placing a hand on Bonnie's arm when no one else is really paying attention. She doesn't need to ask her Jo means by  _he._ "He hurt me, too."

Bonnie doesn't respond, but she thinks back to when Kai had told her about what he did to Jo and the rest of his family in graphic detail.

"At first you're always thinking about it, always looking over your shoulder, doing everything you can to forget about it…and it never completely goes away, but it does get better. I can promise you that."

Bonnie nods and smiles gently, but she doesn't know what to say.

" _Sorry that you had a maniac twin brother? Hopefully neither of your babies ends up being like that? Sorry that you're little brother and sister may have to kill one another to become leader of your coven? Maybe your coven should try getting out of the dark ages because given their tradition, it's no wonder that you guys ended up with such a psychopath?"_

Yeah, none of the seemed too appropriate.

So, instead, she plasters on a smile and thanks Jo and wishes her luck with the babies.

* * *

"Thank you so much, both of you," Bonnie says to Stefan and Matt as they haul in the last box into the apartment.

Most of the stuff in her house she had either thrown away or put in storage, but Stefan and Matt had been kind enough to help her bring the rest into her new abode.

"Any time," Stefan replies with a smile.

"You seem super chipper today," Bonnie comments as she pulls an air mattress out of a box so that she can set it up later. She'd ordered a new bed, but it wouldn't come for a couple of days.

"Caroline turned her humanity back on," Matt explains.

"She did?" Bonnie asks, her mouth dropping open. "Why didn't she tell me?"

"I think she feels a little guilty about having done it in the first place…she's been avoiding almost everybody," Stefan tells her.

"Well, I mean, considering what others are like with their humanity turned off…her little stint doesn't really rank at all. Sorry," she adds with an afterthought when she sees Stefan wince.

"No, no, you're right," Stefan says.

"So, are you and Caroline ever going to…?" She laughs at Stefan's expression. "Oh, come on, I might be going through some things, but even I haven't been that obtuse. Everyone can see it from a mile away. Neither one of you is exactly subtle."

"And that is my cue to leave," Stefan says, ignoring Matt's sniggering in the background.

"No, come on, I'll buy you both lunch as a thank you. And I'll give Caroline a call and see if she wants to join."

"Okay. And then you can tell me all about you and Damon," Stefan says with a small smirk.

"What do you mean?"

"Stefan and Caroline aren't the only ones around her lacking subtlety," Matt supplies. "Why do you think Elena's been a bit…"

"Okay, so what sounds good for lunch?" Bonnie interrupts, quickly rushing out the door. She tries her best to ignore Stefan's cackle.

Still, though, she can't help but smile. It's all so very normal and happy.

Things really were looking up.

* * *

"Isn't this kind of small?" Damon asks, his eyes sweeping around the apartment.

He had unexpectedly (but welcomingly) dropped by that night with dinner for her and a bottle of bourbon for himself.

"Not really. Sorry, but not all of us can have a massive boardinghouse like you and Stefan do," Bonnie says dryly, working on unpacking a box.

"Yeah, it's a shame, isn't it?"

She snorts a little and laughs. But then, her laughter dies away and she takes a deep breath, preparing herself for what she's about to say next.

"So, Maria, my therapist..." Bonnie begins hesitantly, focusing intently on the box she was unpacking.

She never really spoke about therapy outside of telling Damon that she was getting it. And, honestly? She doesn't know why she's bringing it up now. Maybe because Maria had suggested she find someone she trusts to talk to about everything that happened as well and, as crazy as it sounds, she trusts Damon more than anyone in her life at the moment, but still…

"...she thinks that telling someone in detail about what Kai did would help me…"

"What? So you can relive it all again? I'm not psychiatrist, but…"

"She thinks that it'll lead to acceptance and understanding of what happened, that it'll somehow make me less afraid. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it…"

Bonnie takes a deep breath and moves away from the box, a little closer to Damon. She lifts up her shirt enough to show the scar left from Kai's arrow.

"This was from the arrow…you were there for that part, but then after…" she takes a deep shaky breath and drops her shirt, looking somewhere over Damon's shoulder.

She could stop now. She could stop now and go back to unpacking and act like she didn't just open this can of worms. It'd be easier for both of them.

"I woke up back at the boardinghouse and he was trying to fix the ascendant to make me send him back home again. Of course, I told him I wouldn't, so he started siphoning my magic. And  _that_ feeling…it's like someone reaching down inside of your soul and trying to scoop it out. I stabbed him in the next and went to the hospital to try and patch myself up and fix the ascendant. He followed me there, I tried to fight back, and he found me in your car and strangled me. It was like straight out of a goddamn horror movie."

She draws in another shaky breath and looks straight at him. To be honest, she never thought she'd see Damon Salvatore actually look horrified. She knows that he's had to have heard worse, seen worse…maybe even done worse.

"Then, he tried to make me do the spell again to send us home. And I was so afraid what would happen if he did end up in our world. So, I put my magic in Ms. Cuddles and sent her back to our world. That made him so angry…he drugged me, stuffed me in a trunk. Then acted like we could go our own separate ways. Except, Jo had hidden her magic in the knife he had used to cut her spleen out. And he had the ascendant, so all he needed was Bennett blood to make the spell work. So…"

She lifts up her shirt and shows the other scar. The one just a few inches below her heart.

"And the sickest part of it all? I honestly don't know whether it was worse to be tortured by him or to be left there all alone with nobody else, going weeks without speaking, then sometimes just talking to the goddamn walls…I thought that if he was dead it would all just go away, but…"

She presses her hands over her eyes, not quite bearing to look at him any longer. Because she didn't want to see. She didn't want to know how damaged he thinks she is.

Bonnie hears him moving and she's sure that he's going to leave, but instead she feels cool hands over hers, gently prying them away from her face. He leans down, pressing his lips softly to her forehead.

Then, what he does next is even more unbelievable.

He kneels down in front of her, pushing her shirt up slightly. Then, he presses his lips even more gently to the scar on her stomach and then presses his lips to the scar underneath her heart.

She collapses into his arms, sobbing and he holds her tightly. But, in a way, she feels a little freer than she has in a long time.

* * *

They wake up the next morning on the air mattress, bathed in warm sunlight that was streaming in from the sliding door that led to the small balcony.

Damon blearily blinks his blue eyes open, squinting a little bit in the sun. "Hey," he rasps, half asleep.

Bonnie doesn't say anything at first because as she looks at him, she's overcome by another realization. This time, it was one of those sudden, sweeping ones.

"You know, I think I finally figured it out," Bonnie murmurs, staring at him. His eyes almost seemed clear in the sunlight.

"What?"

"For so long I kept trying to figure out the point of everything. I kept waiting for this big moment to hit me where I could say: Yes, this is worth living for. But I think I realized that it's not really like that. I mean, I guess for some people it is. But, really it's just a bunch of little moments that make you realize that one way or another everything will be okay and that life actually is nice for the most part. Like, having a good drink, or friends that will help you paint a wall or move into the new apartment, waking up in sunlight next to somebody you love."

She hadn't quite meant to say that last part aloud, but once it was out she's glad. She doesn't know how he'll react and maybe she should feel guilty because of Elena and she doesn't know where he stands with Elena (hell,  _she_ doesn't even know where she stands with Elena), yet she just doesn't.

Because she's fallen in love with Damon Salvatore. And she's okay with that. She's more than okay with it.

"Somebody you love?" he asks, his voice still a little hoarse with sleep. A hand reaches out to slide along the soft skin of her cheek.

"Yeah," she whispers.

He leans over and presses his lips against hers. She lays back, letting his weight press down on her a little. His lips were soft and cool and she felt like her heart would burst from happiness.

She knows that maybe she's not entirely recovered. Maybe there was no such thing as 'entirely recovered'. She'd still have nightmares and flashbacks and it'd always be something hard to talk about, but it did get better.

And she knows that everything's going to be okay.

**The End.**


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